When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
