i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
