My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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