Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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