i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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