Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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