but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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