how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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