I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
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