So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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