Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize