Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Randomize
