Need sex. Gaining weight.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
