one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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