I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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