take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
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