Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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