No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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