She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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