1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
