I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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