How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize