that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
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