When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
