Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
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