Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
