Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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