I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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