My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
