The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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