My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
