Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
