My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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