My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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