i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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