I am puke
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize