On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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