What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
BRING THE BAGELS
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
