I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
