Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
