I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize