I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
We had sex on a dog bed..
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
