My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
