Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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