I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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