He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
