I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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