Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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