if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
