So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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