they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
