I puked a lego.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
