after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
