we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
