I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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