There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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