My hand turned me down
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
