god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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