If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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