I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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